Today I was reminded of a lot of opportunities that I have had over the years to play at churches as a drummer, guitar player, and pianist. Some of the times I can't even recall how I was requested to play there. I think of how I've been the worship leader on many church and school campuses and have been able to lead God's people in worship through song. I had the rare pleasure of being able to put an album together of the songs, the way we played them at that church, for the church to enjoy on the go.
So, as I play about once a month at my church as a pianist and every Sunday as the worship leader for the 4th-6th graders, it is difficult to keep in mind all the time that has gone by. When I first started going to the church of my own choice, the thing that drew me in was the fact that the church had a drum set for the junior high and high school groups. It makes me sad that now there aren't really drums for that age group and that they don't have kids involved on the worship team to be able to help lead their peers. Sometimes I wonder if it's a matter of opinion or just a way for others to have control over them as the reason it's not the case today. The irony of the thing that brought me into the church is now the thing that is missing. Though if I'm truly honest, it wasn't the drums but The Spirit that brought me in. So, it makes me wonder if those in charge of those sacred places are relying more on presentation, performance, and (over)planning rather than The Spirit. I wonder if there just isn't any room for The Spirit to move, not that He could be kept out, but that He's not exactly welcomed in because it's not entirely convenient to be placed on God's timing. But, isn't that a part of submitting to His will...waiting on Him? I feel like sometimes leadership is trying to split the difference between God's timing and their own, all while stating it's better to wait on Him, but not really showing how they are doing it in real time. It feels like if there's ever a place where they have to choose between trusting and looks, they err on the side of looks, meaning the way it will look or come across to others rather than how it will look to their LORD and Saviour.
I have a frustrating day, and I'm making broad, sweeping generalities about things I'm seeing from those in some leadership positions. As a whole, I like what my local church is doing, but also see some areas of improvement. I think the most difficult thing I struggle with is the area of trying to help others feel like they have a home and belong, all the while feeling like an outsider who doesn't seem to live up to some standard that isn't even recommended in the bible at all. The other thing I struggle with is, how much of this struggle is due to me and my bad attitude and/or poor perspective. Maybe the things I'm seeing have nothing to do with my perception of leadership but rather my own inadequacies, and I'm projecting my issues on them. Maybe my lack of belonging has less to do with others and more to do with me. I have been praying for discernment to know the difference. I don't want to be quick to place blame, no matter how easy. I don't feel like God is giving me permission to go after anyone or to try and change anything in particular, which is what gives me pause as to where this sense is coming from. Today's entry is a ramble about how I'm hurt, but I'm not sure if someone/something hurt me or I just hurt myself.
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